Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.
NOTE: I have re-written several elements of this article, due to some historical and factual inaccuracies: I reported Ms. Prejean was a runner-up: that happened in 2005, and the pageant in question, in 2009, she won it, then was dethroned for being a snotty princess and not doing her job. It all works out, I think, but I apologize - it's on me to do better research.
Hard not to know who Carrie Prejean is. The prickly blonde Miss California contestant got body slammed by Perez Hilton in the Q/A round by his interestingly placed question about gay marriage, which of course she had to answer truthfully, and damn her if she didn't do just that. She won the competition anyway, pissed off Donald Trump, the owner of the Pageant, by spending more time at Fox News defending her gay marriage answer than at shopping malls and other settings doing what pageant winners do, which is...look pretty and smile and wave at people and say something about fuzzy puppies and world peace, I guess. Anyway, he fired her, and Ms. Prejean has become the dictionary definition of the word “polarized viewpoints” to those who would consider her at all and a minor celebrity in the mix. Seems if she is known, it's as either heroine or whore. Her answer about gay marriage alone made her a ton of fans and enemies both, but that was barely the start.
I say Hilton's question was interestingly placed, by the way, because it seems the pageant rulebook warns contestants against offering religious viewpoints in their answers, and a question about gay marriage is bound to bring our a few verses in the contestants. So why ask? Ah, la. It certainly made for a long run of other...interestingness, as well. A little like instructing a student not to speak of Evolution and then asking “what are your views of Darwin's 'Origin of the Species'?”
Dirtypillows. We heard all about the gratis boobies. Those shapely orbs of womanly pulchritude were, it seems, not hers, nor did she pay for them: the pageant did. Word got out and the noise storm started – what kind of two-faced Christian slut gets a boob job? How can she claim to be a Christian? This is an outrage!
Nah. That all died down right quick – plenty of Christian women head to Boobs-R-Us to buy new and improved ta-tas, see. Boobs, it should be remembered, are really neato-cool. Bible thumping babes can have them too. Why not?
Dirty Pictues. Then we heard about “The Pictures.” Semi-nude. Beach shots, very well done with nicely balanced lighting, I might add. Obviously taken before Trump footed the bill for the implants, I might also add. Took roughly .004 attoseconds for them to circle the entire goddamn universe via Perez's TMZ site, accompanied by all the attendant hullaballoo and blend of support and outrage and dust that many felt might take a bit of time to settle. I mean, for the love of all that's holy and pure and American – what kind of wholesome church-attending young lady would pose for such filth?
Um, I dunno. Lots of them? I mean, lets face it – Christian women, I assume, can look just as good naked as heathen women, and while I don't agree with the religious side of their world I presume in all other ways they are functional humans with all the proper parts and pieces and plenty of intellectual/emotional distraction as all us heathens. I mean, mommy and daddy Christians do the church-sanctioned version of the wango tango to make little baby Christians, right?
All this was shaping up nicely for America's favorite Polarized Sexual Object – book deal, plenty of airtime on Fox News, tons of support from conservatives everywhere – I mean, what's she done that's so bad, after all? She's just a good girl who made a few bad choices, trying to better herself, right? Book deal in the hopper, Ms. Prejean is basking in the cat bird seat for a bright future.
Amid all this, after she got whacked she opted to sue the Miss California pageant for pretty much everything wrong that's ever happened to her, from hangnails to sleep loss, never mind the nice titties they bought her. She was seeking a million bucks, chicken feed when you consider the amazing press Donald Trump's pageant organization has gotten from her for relatively cheap.
And I van only imagine the incredible – and entertaining – effects of the defense's top bit of evidence.
Dirty Movies. Oh, hell, it had to happen, right? Apparently there were some negotiations underway when The Pageant's legal team started up a little home movie. It was a girl, alone, evidently doing something sexual. Ms. Prejean reportedly said “that's disgusting” and denied that it was her depicted in the film, but when the camera panned up to her face it's said that “...it took about 15 seconds for Carrie to drop her $1 million dollar demand.” I bet.
Well, hell. I don't watch Fox, but I cannot imagine they had the lovely Ms. Prejean on last night detailing her masturbatory techniques. I read that her pastor said “everyone is a work in progress” which is certainly true. Plenty of people have made sex tapes, and plenty have used them to launch or bolster their careers, Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson to name but two, but these people were not held up to the microscope of “decency” – you know, “no gay marriage” style decency – as Carrie Prejean.
I wonder if this might be enough to finally send this woman out of the spotlight and into a career in, I dunno, fast food, or maybe porn. A place where all she can say is “would you like to super size that?” or “oh my, I never met a guy with a name like Dick Hunglow before.”
So weigh in: most people find it hard to keep simple answers about this woman when discussing her. When she's praised, it's as if she's Joan of Ark, Mother Theresa, and Wonder Woman all in one. When she's not, she's a dirty lowdown whore of the worst order and not worthy of the sweat off a warthog's ass. I read that somewhere, Reddit, I think, I don't remember. Pretty gross. I like it.
Me? If I really reign it in and try to be as objective as possible I just think she's a snotty little overindulged shithead who's ambition and looks could launch a rocket, but her intelligence, basic decency and common sense are essentially missing. By “decency” I don't decry her free tits, the pretty pictures, or the probably-awful movie – c'mon people, I think we would be both stunned and possibly pleased to personally know how many others have done the same damn thing. I also don't mean “decency” in the vein of the original issue, her answer about gay marriage. Agree or disagree, I actually admired her public attempt of professional suicide when she stood her ground and said exactly what she meant to say, and I thought the look on Hilton's face in the reaction shot was worth the price, frankly. Anyway it's that whole “I may disagree with what you say but will defend to the death your right to say it” thing.
No, by decency I mean her flagrant, cheesy prostitution of whatever assets she has remaining to further herself at the expense of anyone and anything in her way; a waifish, once-prettier-but-fading Princess Bitch with a rusty wrecking ball for a mouth, elbowing her way through people and courtrooms and television for way, way longer than the 15 minutes she's barely good for and due, all the while holding herself to some better standard we all aren't privy to despite the painful truth that she's really just a mutt like all of us.