Weigh In: Beauty Promises Everything, Gives Nothing.

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.
~Kahlil Gibran

NOTE: I have re-written several elements of this article, due to some historical and factual inaccuracies: I reported Ms. Prejean was a runner-up: that happened in 2005, and the pageant in question, in 2009, she won it, then was dethroned for being a snotty princess and not doing her job. It all works out, I think, but I apologize - it's on me to do better research.

Hard not to know who Carrie Prejean is. The prickly blonde Miss California contestant got body slammed by Perez Hilton in the Q/A round by his interestingly placed question about gay marriage, which of course she had to answer truthfully, and damn her if she didn't do just that. She won the competition anyway, pissed off Donald Trump, the owner of the Pageant, by spending more time at Fox News defending her gay marriage answer than at shopping malls and other settings doing what pageant winners do, which is...look pretty and smile and wave at people and say something about fuzzy puppies and world peace, I guess. Anyway, he fired her, and Ms. Prejean has become the dictionary definition of the word “polarized viewpoints” to those who would consider her at all and a minor celebrity in the mix. Seems if she is known, it's as either heroine or whore. Her answer about gay marriage alone made her a ton of fans and enemies both, but that was barely the start.

I say Hilton's question was interestingly placed, by the way, because it seems the pageant rulebook warns contestants against offering religious viewpoints in their answers, and a question about gay marriage is bound to bring our a few verses in the contestants. So why ask? Ah, la. It certainly made for a long run of other...interestingness, as well. A little like instructing a student not to speak of Evolution and then asking “what are your views of Darwin's 'Origin of the Species'?”

Dirtypillows. We heard all about the gratis boobies. Those shapely orbs of womanly pulchritude were, it seems, not hers, nor did she pay for them: the pageant did. Word got out and the noise storm started – what kind of two-faced Christian slut gets a boob job? How can she claim to be a Christian? This is an outrage!

Nah. That all died down right quick – plenty of Christian women head to Boobs-R-Us to buy new and improved ta-tas, see. Boobs, it should be remembered, are really neato-cool. Bible thumping babes can have them too. Why not?

Dirty Pictues. Then we heard about “The Pictures.” Semi-nude. Beach shots, very well done with nicely balanced lighting, I might add. Obviously taken before Trump footed the bill for the implants, I might also add. Took roughly .004 attoseconds for them to circle the entire goddamn universe via Perez's TMZ site, accompanied by all the attendant hullaballoo and blend of support and outrage and dust that many felt might take a bit of time to settle. I mean, for the love of all that's holy and pure and American – what kind of wholesome church-attending young lady would pose for such filth?

Um, I dunno. Lots of them? I mean, lets face it – Christian women, I assume, can look just as good naked as heathen women, and while I don't agree with the religious side of their world I presume in all other ways they are functional humans with all the proper parts and pieces and plenty of intellectual/emotional distraction as all us heathens. I mean, mommy and daddy Christians do the church-sanctioned version of the wango tango to make little baby Christians, right?

All this was shaping up nicely for America's favorite Polarized Sexual Object – book deal, plenty of airtime on Fox News, tons of support from conservatives everywhere – I mean, what's she done that's so bad, after all? She's just a good girl who made a few bad choices, trying to better herself, right? Book deal in the hopper, Ms. Prejean is basking in the cat bird seat for a bright future.

Amid all this, after she got whacked she opted to sue the Miss California pageant for pretty much everything wrong that's ever happened to her, from hangnails to sleep loss, never mind the nice titties they bought her. She was seeking a million bucks, chicken feed when you consider the amazing press Donald Trump's pageant organization has gotten from her for relatively cheap.

And I van only imagine the incredible – and entertaining – effects of the defense's top bit of evidence.

Dirty Movies. Oh, hell, it had to happen, right? Apparently there were some negotiations underway when The Pageant's legal team started up a little home movie. It was a girl, alone, evidently doing something sexual. Ms. Prejean reportedly said “that's disgusting” and denied that it was her depicted in the film, but when the camera panned up to her face it's said that “...it took about 15 seconds for Carrie to drop her $1 million dollar demand.” I bet.

Well, hell. I don't watch Fox, but I cannot imagine they had the lovely Ms. Prejean on last night detailing her masturbatory techniques. I read that her pastor said “everyone is a work in progress” which is certainly true. Plenty of people have made sex tapes, and plenty have used them to launch or bolster their careers, Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson to name but two, but these people were not held up to the microscope of “decency” – you know, “no gay marriage” style decency – as Carrie Prejean.

I wonder if this might be enough to finally send this woman out of the spotlight and into a career in, I dunno, fast food, or maybe porn. A place where all she can say is “would you like to super size that?” or “oh my, I never met a guy with a name like Dick Hunglow before.”

So weigh in: most people find it hard to keep simple answers about this woman when discussing her. When she's praised, it's as if she's Joan of Ark, Mother Theresa, and Wonder Woman all in one. When she's not, she's a dirty lowdown whore of the worst order and not worthy of the sweat off a warthog's ass. I read that somewhere, Reddit, I think, I don't remember. Pretty gross. I like it.

Me? If I really reign it in and try to be as objective as possible I just think she's a snotty little overindulged shithead who's ambition and looks could launch a rocket, but her intelligence, basic decency and common sense are essentially missing. By “decency” I don't decry her free tits, the pretty pictures, or the probably-awful movie – c'mon people, I think we would be both stunned and possibly pleased to personally know how many others have done the same damn thing. I also don't mean “decency” in the vein of the original issue, her answer about gay marriage. Agree or disagree, I actually admired her public attempt of professional suicide when she stood her ground and said exactly what she meant to say, and I thought the look on Hilton's face in the reaction shot was worth the price, frankly. Anyway it's that whole “I may disagree with what you say but will defend to the death your right to say it” thing.

No, by decency I mean her flagrant, cheesy prostitution of whatever assets she has remaining to further herself at the expense of anyone and anything in her way; a waifish, once-prettier-but-fading Princess Bitch with a rusty wrecking ball for a mouth, elbowing her way through people and courtrooms and television for way, way longer than the 15 minutes she's barely good for and due, all the while holding herself to some better standard we all aren't privy to despite the painful truth that she's really just a mutt like all of us.

Just so.

Your thoughts?


  1. Schuyler, if you weren't married, and, too, if you weren't heterosexual, and, as well, if I wasn't of the hetero persuasion, I'd ask to marry you! :-)

    Well-said, all of it. I think the Hilton question was stupid for a pageant. I think, too, it was even more stupid to act like Prejean's honest answer was somehow the end of the world. Yes, saying, "I think that all people should have the right to live exactly as they see fit, without discrimination, provided they don't infringe on the rights of others" is asking a bit too much from such a vacuous, if not nicely shaped, bag of wind (as most all of these contestants are--Sarah Palin was one, too, btw, and not surprisingly). I don't expect latitudinarian philosophy from my beauty pageant contestants. And an honest answer shouldn't penalize the girl, regardless, provided, of course, she didn't call for the arrest and "re-education" of all gays. *That* would have been worthy of offense. Spouting her religious beliefs, though? Not so much.

    As for any bit of attention paid to this twit after her turn on the catwalk? Well, personally, I love it when the moral majority holds up such twits as shining examples of their ideals, and I always find it terribly appropriate. So, I say more power to her. Keep flickin' the bean and filming it, Carrie! Quote some Bible verses next time, while you're at it. That'll get your demographic all steamed and ready. ;-)

  2. I agree it took courage for someone to stand on national television and say what they really think, knowing it wasn't the PC answer, or maybe hoping it was what "everyone" thought underneath the PC veneer. However, it's awfully hypocritical to hold one group up to a higher moral standard than you hold for yourself, especially when that group is "just folks", and not some group who puts themselves in a position to be held to a higher standard. You know, like televangelists and "moral majority" politicians.

  3. Carrie Prejean
    flicked the bean
    it dazzled and bewitched her.
    Carrie Prejean
    was Donald's queen
    for a week then he ditched her.

  4. Smaggy - I would, if I perchance took my favorite things up the ass, take you up on your offer. Still, I'm so wishy washy you'd have to share with my wife, Messy, MM, 'Neato, Seoul, Spacey, Marc, Fox, all the fly and and our beloved Emily Yoffee herself too. I think I would be pretty promiscuous if I were gay. You'd dump me. Hearts would be broken. See? Now I'm just sad. Damn you. :-)

    CoolOne - I hear every word. A side effect of practicing two particular freedoms, speech and religion, leaves me a little baffled when I think of, say, honor killings, or whipping of women who refuse to wear the veil. Is it I who do not understand, or they? Anyway, I never considered a point you make: what if little Twat Blossom Prejean simply believed everyone would simply be "on her side" when she gave that answer? Hmm. Makes her twice as stupid as I originally thought.

    MM - that was absolutely awful. I loved it - thanks!

  5. MM:

    "There once was a beaut from So-Cal
    a Christian, opinion-bound gal
    her take on gay marriage
    which she DID disparage
    made Donald Trump have a Gran Mal."

  6. Oh I so love those limericks!

  7. OK, folks, here it is: the dismissive statement you'd all like to make about Carrie Prejean if she wasn't fascinating in the same way that ripe road kill demands a person's undivided attention for a moment.

    Carrie Prejean is another minor celebrity whose fifteen minutes of fame has run out. Unless she has managed to attract the attention of a wealthy older man, married or unmarried, her budding career is over.

  8. Ah, Kimosabestein - I fear you're wrong on that score, and as much as I'd like her to fade away I think she's going to do the Ted Haggard and evolve into a far more loathesome form of hideous meat puppet.

    Normal people wear sex scandals like herpes forever - In those Christ-people though, all healing is possible.

  9. Cat, you nailed it in your last two paragraphs. It's not that she's not entitled to her opinions and beliefs, but once she starts writing books about how your body is supposed to be the Lord's temple and not to be used as a cheap sexual object when she has done nothing but use her body as a sexual object in order to advance her, uh, "career" she loses all rights to be indignant, much less litigious. She's the worst kind of hypocrite and is just another woman that once again puts all women in a bad light and makes it that much harder for other women to be taken seriously.

    P.S. I love the poems & limricks!
    P.P.S. I suppose I could share you with other people, so it's okay if you'd be kind of slutty. For you, I'd get past it. ;)